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A Girl’s Guide to Cockroaches

tumblr_npu0klVMlF1u9bz5go1_500.gifSo, it’s happened. My New York City apartment, in spite of care and intense cleanliness, has sprouted one of my least favorite things on God’s Green Earth: cockroaches. (Question: Must one really love all creatures great and small? Because these insects, while wise, seem far from wonderful…)

The other morning, while brushing my teeth and choosing an appropriate work outfit– evaluating factors from weather to length to chicness, I watched a cockroach crawl out of my bathtub drain. Much to my surprise, I didn’t shriek. With the roach confined to the bathtub, I figured, “This is natural. This is fine. I’ll just close the drain.” And so I did.

Walking to the lobby, after exiting my apartment, I encountered another one. This time, instinctually, I scampered away. Yes, 5’6″ Avery Jane Carmichael, human being of fluctuating weight and meandering emotional stability, ran away from a cockroach. In my first month of true, adult work, shouldn’t I be Leaning In? Oy vey.

Since then, I changed my attitude. No more complacency or fear or subtle acceptance. I don’t want cockroaches in my apartment. They’re gross, they actually bite and they spread disease– some even fly! In the summer heat, or the winter heat, at the rate our climate is changing, cockroaches come out to play.

Here are some tips for getting them out, pronto:

  1. Be cool, honey bunny. Be cool. While your A.C. bill may increase for several months, you’ve got to make sure your home is as cool as possible. As I said, cockroaches like the heat, and a warm home, for cockroaches, is a happy one.
  2. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Just clean it up– your dishes, your stovetop, your counters. Cockroaches love grease and flock to sticky surfaces of former foodstuffs.
  3. Signed, Sealed, Delivered, They’re Gone! As a recent New York City apartment dweller, I’ve quickly become aware of nooks and crannies. Cockroaches love ’em. If you can, borrow your best friend’s caulking gun and get to work.
  4. (Glue) Trap Queen Buy some cheap glue traps, and place them strategically around your apartment. Also, just imagine if Fetty Wap’s Trap Queen were really about a relationship between a man and his cockroach. I’m like, Hey! What’s up? Hello!
  5. The Exterminator Terminator People joke that cockroaches would survive a nuclear war. First, let’s not find out. Second, hire an exterminator if it seems like there’s a genuine, unbearable infestation.
  6. The Shoe Method If all else fails, throw your shoe at it.
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