I am not easily frightened by horror films. In my mind, I can always remove myself from the Ryan Murphy-created fantasy of “American Horror Story” by thinking, “Okay. This isn’t real. You know that. You know.” I’m much more struck by dramas than anything else. — To me, those are the real horror films, because there’s always a more realistic, believable grain of truth in the characters. (And, horror films are simply not real, while dramas are either, A) based on true stories, or B), realistic-enough.)

 That being said, I do have some serious feelings about ‘hauntings.’ My boyfriend Garrett is absolutely petrified of malevolent ghosts. It’s part of his charm (?) and also something I don’t completely relate to. Sure, there may be an Unfriendly Casper out there, but I’m not too worried about it.

Garrett, on the other hand, is assured that the ghost of Bathsheba haunts his Rhode Island town. (This is one of those moments where I wish “The Conjuring” had been set somewhere else. Garrett always combats my points with, “Well! That’s what “The Conjuring” is based on!” *face palm*) In fact, I’ve never seen Garrett more disconcerted and edgy than when I suggested we watch “The Conjuring 2.” I swear he was prepared to ditch our relationship if I pushed him too far in that direction. 

So what are my feelings, IF, and only IF, ghosts are real?

1. Leave the house. Stop trying to explain it away, because if the hauntings are as bad as they are in the movies, someone’s going to get hurt.
2. A child’s imaginary friend is not to be trusted if he/she talks about: blood, death, murder, dead people, etc. 
3. Stop tempting fate and walking alone into the basement or attic at night. Go on a sunny afternoon with your dog. 
4. Read up on your home’s history before you buy it. If the location is decent and the house is in okay shape BUT the price is low, low, low— there’s probably a ghost.