My Grandma, Noni– which apparently means beautiful woman in some cultures, and she won’t let you forget it, has a much higher chance of getting run over by a reindeer than your average septuagenarian. Inspired by the classic Christmas song, and very bizarre animated feature film, I thought I might explore some of Noni’s holiday qualities that make her a prime target for Santa’s sleigh.
- Noni waits for no one. It is Christmas time. It is cold. We are in Utah, and it is snowing. If the family isn’t loaded up into the shuttle, Noni has no qualms disappearing with half the children. She will give no notice, and feign surprise when Aunts and Uncles send her confused texts. If it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
- Noni will not eat your slice and bakes. This is Christmas time, people! Noni would never settle for anything less than perfectly homemade cookies. If she could, she’d grow the cacao beans herself.
- Noni will ignore the sound of oncoming traffic, whether cars or skiers. This is Noni’s mountain, we’re all just skiing on it. If you gesture with your poles angrily, after she cuts you off mid-run, Noni will purposefully tail you for the rest of your journey. Move, skier! Get out da way!
- Noni will personally peel your grubby finger nails off if you do not save her ribbons. These are reusable ribbons! Not your average, run of the mill, disposable ones! Do you know how long she spent wrapping these presents? Her bones ache! Children have no idea what it’s like to have their bones ache! Frightful!
- Noni does not respond well to being referred to as ‘spry.’ In her own words, “If I wanted to be talked to like I have one foot in the grave, and the other on the edge, I wouldn’t do my hair every morning!”
In all honesty, Noni is one of my favorite parts of the holidays, and one of my favorite parts of my life. She is so spunky, so dry and so kick ass. If Santa’s sleigh really came by, she’d probably stick her furry boots out and trip the reindeer… (Sorry, Rudolph.)